Free of Fear

Ideas for posts come to me at the most random times. When I got into bed after a crazy 22 hour day last night I thought about all of the things I would love to do or say to people but how I was too scared to do it.This thought plagued my mind and my hopes of a good night's sleep longer than 3 hours was ruined.

Fear is such a strange concept, when I talk about fear I'm not talking about things like being scared of horror films, which I am by the way even though I'm 19, but instead being scared of doing all of the things that you would like to do out of fear of being rejected or being made fun of.

I often think about how much easier life would be if I could do things like answer a question in a lecture without being scared that I'd look like an idiot if I got the answer spectacularly wrong. I think this kind of fear is inherent in our society in which we constantly judge others, shows like the X Factor thrive off of it.

I love the idea of doing something that scares you every day, life always appears to be more fun for those who take risks, my aim in life is to be a risk taker, the type of person who always says how I feel, within reason, without always thinking about how other people will think of me.

As a life-long shy  and guarded person I often find it difficult to speak up or to reveal how I truly feel as I always think that my honesty would make me vulnerable as it would allow people to finally get to know the 'true' me, someone that I believe is only revealed to my diary. Though I'm now beginning to understand that isn't a healthy way to live and I'm trying my best to be more transparent and conquer my fear of fear.

What would you do right now if you weren't scared of the consequences of your actions?

The day I met the Queen aka Lena Dunham

So today was finally the day, two years since I became obsessed with GIRLS, I finally had the chance to meet the one and only Lena Dunham. Lena perfectly captures the real life 'problems' and struggles of twenty something girls in her show, with characters that are as real as it gets. I love watching the show as it makes no attempt to be a glossy hollywood-esque show. My personal favourite character is Shoshanna Shapiro( far right) played by Zosia Mamet, she reminds me of myself a lot with her slightly neurotic tendencies and her social awkwardness.

When I first started to watch the show I didn't know who Lena was, or anything about her. But her creation of such relatable characters instantly made me love her. I love how she is so confident in her own skin, something that fans will understand as she is usually at least half naked in every episode. I also love how much Lena personally supports the feminist movement and politics for young people.

When it was announced that Lena would be bringing out a book I was ridiculously happy because I instantly thought of the possibility of a book signing. I bought the first copy I saw but only allowed myself to read a chapter a night, because like Lena says in the book I am very good at noticing moments that I know I will become nostalgic about in the future and therefore I didn't want my experience reading Not That Kind Of Girl be over too soon.

Still upset about missing out on her talk with Caitlin Moran at the Southbank centre tomorrow night I spent a lot of time Googling opportunities to meet Lena on her latest tour of the UK and was so happy when I saw that she was going to be doing a signing at Waterstones in Piccadilly, even if it did mean missing a lecture.

The signing was scheduled to begin at 1.30pm, so naturally I arrived at 9.30am and bought another book for £16 as I was told it was necessary to buy a book on the day to be admitted to the signing, which later turned out to be untrue. I was the third person there and spent quite a lot of time standing outside the shop in the rain before we were allowed inside at 12.30pm to queue at the signing area. 

At about 1.45pm Lena arrived and spent a few minutes having her photo taken by the paparazzi. They were all shouting things like 'Lena, look to the left' etc.. So she said 'Why are you shouting, we are indoors'. Until that moment I was nervous that her persona might be completely manufactured and that she might not be the down-to-earth girl described by many. Luckily I was wrong and she was just as kind and genuine as I have imagined she would be for the last two years. 

I was 5th in the Queue, we were told to put our names onto post it notes and hold our books open at a certain page so it would be quick for her to sign them. I decided to get both books signed, one for me and one for my friend. When it was my turn to go up to the table I was shaking slightly, I said something along the lines of 'OMGYOURESOAMAZINGILOVEYOUICANTBELIEVETHISISACTUALLYHAPPENING'

I then told her that the Cracksident was my favourite episode of GIRLS because of Shoshanna running around in her pants. Yes I spoke about pants with Lena Dunham. I told her that I basically am Shoshanna and she seemed genuinely interested and excited in what I was saying.

She then told me that she loved my jumper, which I bought from Topshop (shock!) about four years ago. I purposely wore this jumper today because Khloe Kardashian also told me she loved it when I met her last year. She then signed my books and I smiled like an idiot. I just loved how caring, genuine and happy she was. Today has just increased my love of Lena massively. 

Thank you Lena!

I also just want to add that a great day was made even better by a trip to the mother land aka Topshop Oxford Circus to get some mega cute cupcakes from Lola's!

My latest Topshop haul

I don't know why I ever thought that living a ten minute walk from a Topshop would ever be a good idea. Topshop is my vice, I regularly have to call my mum to make me see sense when I'm about to walk into one or make a rash purchase. 

Being a student, I can't often afford to buy full price items from Topshop just becuase it can be quite expensive and I just don't tend to have the funds to buy all of the things. This is why I basically live for their Christmas sale. Last year I braved the Boxing Day sale to get some bargains and I was not disappointed. Most of my wardrobe staples were bought on that day for a fraction of the price. One of my favourite purchases were these jeans, which I had previously bought at full price(£38) and then returned because I couldn't afford them. I paid £5 in the sale. 

However, my ultimate favourite purchase ever was this dress, which I think I am actually in love with, if it is possible to be in love with inanimate objects that is. I had had my eye on it for a few months but at around £70 it was way out of my price range. So I was beyond happy when I saw it in the winter sale at £40(!!!)

Today, on my way home from uni I was drawn in again by the massive posters of Cara D persuading me to spend an unreasonable and unexpected amount of money on clothes. But those eyebrows were too much for me to deny so in I went. I came out £72 lighter, but so so so so so much happier than when I went in. 

(please excuse my duvet cover, I am a bit of a London geek)

I bought the worlds most fluffiest and comfy jumper ever for £36. Super soft skinny jeans for £18 and the clutch bag to match my favourite dress for £25. The bag is so special that it deserves its own close ups!

I massively recommend it to anyone in need of a bit of sparkle in their life as it definitely catches the eye, I am so excited to try it with my matching dress and bright red lipstick!

How I spent my Saturday afternoon

When I was scrolling through my university's volunteering site for something to do I jumped at the chance to volunteer at the Tower of London's 

Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red poppy installation.

When I signed up there was limited information on what the day would actually involve, but since I had heard so much about the installation and the meaning behind it, I knew that I wanted to be involved in any way possible.

I eventually got an email saying that I would be planting poppies, a handful of the 888,246 which represent all of the British military fatalities from the first world war which began over 100 years ago. I was so happy to know that I would be able to play an active role in such a poignant commemoration of the fallen.

As a history student at school and college I learnt a lot about WW1 and how it helped to shape the type of world in which we live today and how the invaluable sacrifices of the soldiers made all of this possible. I always buy a poppy every year but knowing that this year is the centenary anniversary of the beginning of the war made me want to give back even more so this opportunity was perfect for me.

The work itself involved physically assembling the ceramic poppies along with 200 others and then planting them into the moat. As I was doing the work the massiveness of the whole task was overwhelming. At times I my hands grew tired from putting the stiff washers onto the metal poles but then I was reminded that sore hands in no way compares to the suffering and eventual sacrifice that all of the soldiers who died went through and I carried on.

One of the most surreal aspects of the day was the hundreds of spectators who came to see the installation and were watching us plant the poppies, I think I now know what it feels like to be a celebrity! Another highlight was meeting two real life guards, one of them even let me touch his Bear skin hat after I asked whether he could actually see out of it. 

All in all I had a great day, and I would recommend volunteering there to anybody, the installation is only going to be there until Armistice day (Nov 11th) so make sure you get to see it if you haven't already! 

Bye Bye BST

10 Reasons to look forward to the clocks going back

When I decided to write a post about the end of summer, I originally thought about giving all of the reasons why the clocks going back is my least favourite say of the year but then I realised that isn't going to help any body so here are a few reasons to rejoice at the dwindling days.

1. CHRISTMAS
The reasons to love christmas are infinite: Christmas lights, trees, food, presents, family, great TV etc...

2. Bonfire night
Well you can't have fireworks when it's still light at 10pm can you?

3. Being able to wear your favourite coat and matching hat/gloves combo
Let Kim K show us all how it's done

4. Halloween
99% sure I'm always the one on the left

5. Snow
I know it can be a pain when it turns into ice and causes the whole country to grind to a standstill but look how pretty it is

6.Costa's Hot Chocolate
You just can't deny the cuteness!

7. The joy of walking indoors after being battered by the cold outside
No thanks Elsa

8.MINCE PIES
Need I say more?

9.New Year's Eve
New year new you?

10.The knowledge that BST is only another 6 months away

Ten important life lessons I learnt in the week beginning 20/10/14

1. Not everybody knows how to use a can opener

2. A shoe shop will remember you if you go in three times to ask for your size in Roshe Runs

3. Jessie Ware's new album is perfect to relax to

4.Asking for help can make life a lot easier

5.Good friends will do anything for you

6.Some people love to lie in situations in which lying is totally unnecessary

7.Change is inevitable

8.Not everybody knows that Wales is a separate country

9.Nobody on The Apprentice is ever allowed to finish what they're saying

10.Good things happen to those who wait (S Club 7 reunion!!!) 

Why the way that black people are represented on Reality TV needs to stop.

I love watching reality TV shows like The Apprentice, Goggle Box and Big Brother. However one thing that gripes me year on year is that these programmes repeatedly insist on putting black people into one of two boxes. We are all either ‘difficult’ or there purely for comedic value. Let’s take Stephen on the latest series of the Apprentice for example, he is one of only two black people on the apprentice and, three episodes in, has already been portrayed as the ‘argumentative’ one. Whilst it is clear that he must be well qualified to have made it to the final stages of the show, his professional successes being overshadowed by an unfair edit.

Whilst I can only assume that The Apprentice has thousands of applicants from all ethnic backgrounds there must have been hundreds of other rational black people who are equally well qualified who were not chosen by the producers to compete on the show. It is bad enough that the amount of black people shown on reality TV is already limited without producers feeding into these damaging stereotypes. It is offensive that whilst there are also white contestants that are shown to be argumentative; the sheer amount of them on the show doesn’t do as much damage to the representation of their ethnicity.

Goggle Box is also an offender of this stereotyping of a whole ethnicity. Let’s take a quick look at Sandy and Sandra; they are a pair of black women who feature on the show amongst a number of other families from a range of ethnicities. Whilst I am aware that the premise of Goggle box is that it is comical, I feel that Sandy and Sandra stand out as the people for everyone to laugh at instead of with. Due to their eccentric characters and the only two black people featured which again makes it easy for the public to assume that all black people are like that.

Again, year on year on year on year Big Brother fail to recognise that black people aren’t ready to fight nonstop or there to look like idiots. I remember watching the first show of every series every year and my mum saying look ‘they’ve put another stupid black person in there’. For as long I can remember there has only ever been one or two black people on the show and they’ve fallen into these categories, I’m thinking of Brian Belo, Makosi Musambasi and Victor Ebuwa to name a few. It's as if black people can’t be shown to be rational human beings.

I am aware that as of 2011 only 3% of the population of GB was black, therefore there is a massive possibility that a lot of people in this country would have never come across a black person in real life, therefore their only opinion of us will be formed via interaction with the media, and when the media only has one intention when it comes to representing us, it becomes very easy for people to generalise that all black people fall into one of the above mentioned categories. Even as a third generation immigrant I have firsthand experience the ignorance of some people. When I was 15 years old and walking home from school in my uniform a white male of about 30 years old rolled down his car window and shouted ‘coon’ at me. I also once walked into a McDonald’s only 20 minutes from my multicultural home town of Leicester to be confronted with confused stares and a child turning to her parents to ask why our skin colour was different.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me hating on white people, or people of any other ethnicity. This is just me airing my frustrations about the way my ethnicity is always portrayed on reality TV and why I think something needs to change, and quickly.